Heart Therapy - Insecurities

Today I'm trying something a little different... I'm joining in with Eisy Morgan to write about my insecurities as a part of her series.

Personally, I am insecure about a whole assortment of things, but I think right now in my life the most prevalent thing I am insecure about is

My Weight and Appearance

This insecurity is nothing new.  I've been overweight for the majority of my life and while people have always said "You have a Beautiful face" all I hear is... "you have a beautiful face but the rest of you is horribly disgusting".  I've tried --and failed... and succeeded, and failed again...miserably -- several diets.  Currently, I'm working on a "life change" to change my bad eating habits.  It has been hard.  I haven't seen results as fast as I would like.  I cried this morning to my husband about how this is why diets never work for me. 

I often tell him that I wish I could be prettier for him; that I'm sorry that he has to be embarrassed by me.  Of course, his response to that is that I'm being ridiculous.  I'm a beautiful woman.  I have no doubt that my insecurities weigh on him.  He can't stand it when I talk bad about myself.

But, my feelings about myself started young.  I was picked on, as most overweight children are, and you never quite get over the memory of guys screaming at you that you're fat, or children taunting you because of your size.  I've stopped going out with friends to bars or concerts or whatnot because I'm ashamed.  I don't want to be surrounded by cute skinny girls in the latest fashions that I cannot fit into. 

Most of my friends are slim, and I'm not sure they fully understand how I feel.  If you've never been treated harshly or rudely BECAUSE of your weight - then you can't imagine what goes through my mind when I'm trying to get dressed in the mornings or when I'm trying to get ready for a party or night out with friends.

I'm doing my best to change my bad habits about food, and I hope that and adding in some more exercise will get me to a healthy weight.  I know that I will never be super thin, but I would like to feel comfortable in my own skin.  All so I can get rid of this -- insecurity