Clarity

I did it again...
Lied to myself and a lot of other people.  I told myself and everyone that I was going to do it right this time: Get on the diet train and ride it all the way to Skinnyminnytown.  But, just as usual, 2-3 weeks into my trip I jumped off at Toodamnlazytown, and never got back on.

I HAVE GOT TO STOP. 

I went to my cousin's wedding this weekend.  Beautiful, lovely, fun wedding for two people in love.
I enjoyed myself with friends and family and had a great time.
But, I had my picture taken.  It was bad.  It was morifying.

And even I could not deny that I've lost the battle. 

The History:
My whole life I've been overweight, minus those approximately two years in college I was slim.  I won't say skinny - because this body has never been skinny.  I was healthy.  I was wearing clothes that other girls my age were wearing, sharing clothes with friends, looking good, enjoying life.  In the years prior to that, I'd lost a good amount of weight in about 8th grade (but I was still bigger than most of my friends) and then over the course of high school I'd gained it all back. (Every weekend trips to the Olive Garden with my girlfriends definately wasn't helping to keep any weight off, that was for sure)  Then, my freshman year of college instead of gaining the freshman 15 - I lost it.  And continued on until I reached my lowest weight the summer before my senior year.  But, through my senior year of college, the weight began to creep back on. Slowly - very, very slowly - but it was coming back nonetheless. 

College - 2004

Some of my Pledge Sisters and I - 2004 (I'm second from the right)

S'more of my sorority sisters and me - 2004

I moved home after college without a job (as many college graduates are doing nowadays) and fell into depression.  I never really said "depression" outloud to anyone.  I never admitted that I was ashamed, embarrassed, and felt like a failure.  But in the year or so after college - I was depressed, struggling to keep my head above water and wondering what I had done wrong to be so undeserving of a "decent" job.  My eating habits followed along with my inner turmoil and I stopped being as active as I once was in college (when I held two jobs, a full time class load, and sorority with its own demanding schedule).  My weight continued to climb.

2007

 

2008 - even bigger

In 2009, my husband proposed and I tipped a toe in the diet pool, but never fully waded in.  I did lose about 20 pounds and while I didn't feel great or beautiful in my wedding dress, I accepted my weight loss and did feel proud that some clothes were getting too big.  Then we settled into wedded bliss - and this has been my ultimate downfall. 

The word "sated" comes to mind.  Similar words are full, satisfied, BURSTING... I was full of love, satisfied with life and BURSTING at the seams.  It doesn't help that I've never been great in the kitchen - and my idea of keeping things original is finding what new recipe Campbell's has published on their latest soup cans.  In the past two years - even when I say that I'm done; even when I cry my eyes out and curse myself, and look in the mirror with complete and utter disgust - I just continue on with my bad habits.  Acting as though someone else can change this for me, that I shouldn't have to put in the work, or that this is just the way I'm going to be for the rest of my life and there is nothing I can do about it.  In the past two years - I've gotten out of control, past any point that I could have dreamed I would ever be; Wearing clothes in sizes that I used to say "If I ever got into that size I would definately do something about it" and not doing anything about it other than be miserable. 

In the past two years, I've lost my ability to say no.  Do you want to go out to eat? Um, yes I do -- even though I know I shouldn't.  Do you want to go get some lunch at the mexican place down the road?  Absolutely, even though I know there isn't really anything there I should be eating.  Do you want and stop for some ice cream?  Hells yes I do, even though I really don't need any ice cream.  Do you want the rest of this _______________ ?  Sure, if you don't want it.  I...just...can't...say....no, and it's killing me.

I know in the past I've said that "this is it"  I'm making a change, but I'm not going to say that - because I don't want to be a liar again.  But I am going to say I'm going to try.  I am going to say that I can't do this anymore.  I am going to say that crying about it and yet still not doing anything isn't going to get me from this place to where I want to be.  I am going to recognize that I know what needs to be done - I just need to actually  DO IT.  I am going to say that I know I can do this, and that I'll be a better person for it.